Going and Teaching

Off we go

2011-02-14T06:38:00.002-05:00

Here's four generations of my relatives. I got a chance to see my Maternal Gramma, my Aunt, My cousin and her husband and son.
We all have kind of round baby faces on that side of my family. It's really weird to think of my aunt as a gramma, but she is very astoundlingly radiantly happy to be with her tiny grandson. She's also really pretty.
It was a valuable way to spend my last full day in-country. If all goes well, in about 30 hours I'll be all set back in my apartment, sleeping.

The ABA POTUS ball. I just couldn't take it any more.

2011-02-11T17:05:00.002-05:00

I have thought so many things about the very existence of such a thing as this, and I decided I really better not say any of it. But anyway, here it is.

Continuing to think about freewill

2011-02-10T18:40:00.002-05:00

Here, you go, standing on two planks over stairs to sand some construction mud. The mud has to be sanded so more mud can go on and eventually some paint can go on.

It's how I think about the Theophostic prayer system, that unhealthy assumptions have to get sanded off before truth can really set a person free.

Here's something I was reading about today: that you first have to believe and submit. You have to believe that He can do it, and then you have to be willing to no longer suffer.

That's all for now

Boundaries with Kids and the Shocking truth about myself

2011-02-09T20:40:00.002-05:00

So I'm sadly lacking in maturity, so I see as I read this book, which I so finished reading today. Then I spent a while processing. What was possibly most surprising is how well I'm taking it. There's none of the defensive bitterness I felt necessary to rail against Boundaries, original flavor. Even as I read the description of a passive child as not growing because they don't push boundaries, nice kids though hard to get to know, lacking initiative and easily influenced or controlled by more agressive children, plus the passivity expressed as procrastination, ignoring, lack of initiative, living in a fantasy world and passive defense--I can see how true it rings, and I'm not upset. I probably should be upset, maybe. I should have thoughts like, "Oh, no. I thought I was being such a good, mature kid by not fighting and by being sweet, passive and submissive all the time. I didn't know that rebellion and pushiness was necessary for real maturity. Oh crap. How depressing." I think that but I don't feel sad. Maybe it's because I was already becoming more aware of my immaturity already and looking to grace to grow past it. Maybe I'm a post-griever.

There's more about immaturity, like the part that says to assess a child's maturity by how they can make and keep goo friends, how they can respond in protest, how they respond to failure and how well they can trust and be honest.

essentially, I read the entire book about parenting--with some intenrion to apply it to relationships I have with actually children--but mostly in view of what is wrong with me, and also what is going on with my mother. In short, that as a foolish child, as all children are foolish, I was charged with care for another foolish child, and though I had to have a lot of skills to do it, I wasn't actually more mature in a lot of important ways, and I ended up behind in a lot of development.

Anyway, even all of that thought, very depressing thought, potentially, didn't make me feel sad. It was almost an extremely hopeful relief to have a diagnosis to then take to the healer and start on the path to real and healthy change.

Reality and Loving People

2011-02-07T16:19:00.002-05:00

There is really high value in conversations with the right people.

Sometimes I'm aware of things I really want to tell people, and I have the feeling that once I tell them, the knowlegde will no longer be a burden. Something like that happened today.

When I talk to the people I miss, the people from where I'm from, it gets easier to remember a lot of things, and a lot easier to live in reality. I find it is often really easy to create another world than it is to live in the one I have, with the people I have. It's easy to have imagine life being different that it is to live it as it is.

For some reason, I'm seeing this clearly, that I already knew or had some notion of. The only difference is that I'm not as afraid of people and the mess of knowing them. And I have found it's so much easier to know them and to be thankful for them and to love them. I'm not entirely sure what's different, but I do know there's a power beyond me at work. (we know who that is.) And I'm thankful change is possible, even if it's hard to believe it's happening.

Dude, I'm watching the superbowl?

2011-02-06T20:30:00.003-05:00

Me? The hater of all sports, who fantasizes about venomously condemning them all at the height of idolotry in a sickly idolatrous nation in a handbasket of idols? Who points to this sport as the destroyer of families and education? Who denounces it as a horrendous misuse of money, fame and time?

How did this happen? Not only was a watching, I was caring who won. Actually I do care. It started with my American host family. Then there was a segment about a really humble and sweet coach, and then a video--added in the middle of this morning, Sunday morning--about a faith-focused defense dude. And I was thinking, "Wow. they're not just the team my friends like, they're actually good people."

But beyond that, there was the fact that the pregame was all about rallying the country, with some serious patriotism tags, and making huge business of the fact that both teams are heavy with blue-collar industries and hard-working-nationbuilder symbolism.

That's what I get for thinking my nation of residence had a monopoly on overbearing patriotism.

Well, this has been called the world's biggest sporting event. I'd have to qualify, at least is is among the 5% of the world that has heard of it.

I just couldn't resist

2011-02-05T16:34:00.003-05:00

Blogger is the ideal outlet for former journalists who can't stop thinking about anything and everything and its implications. I have about 9 days until I again give up access to blogger. Whatever.

The event of the day was last night, when, not even a full 24 hours after the previous adventure had begun, more happened. Well, my glasses broke. And I don't have another pair in this country.

So, all of the things I really like doing involve being able to see.

Well, except one thing. There is a gift the blind can have besides expensive massage. Remember what it is?

Adventure! Chicago/blizzard related travel

2011-02-04T20:08:00.007-05:00

So much happened in about a day, it warrants telling and pictures. First, now that I have my camera cord, is proof I was in Minneapolis 24 hours ago.

10:30 pm I said goodbye to Jonathan and got on an overnight bus on which I slept exactly 0 minutes. Fortunately, I had spent a significant portion of the day napping.

The Minneapolis bus reached Chicago early, but all of the other buses were two or more hours late. Fortunately, there was a "warming bus" to sit in for four hours and wait for the other bus to take me home. I worried I would have another frost bite incident with my toes, but they were fine. You know it's cold when American city dwellers are warning you to wear more clothes.

Detroit was much warmer than Chicago and lacked the three feet of snow, but we still have this great icicle. aka the deathsickle.

I got home just in time for the Chinese New year celebration, including the usual beer in church and mass stuffing of dumplings, with the added bonus of Chinese people complimenting my jiaozi wrapping and a guy with a bunny in his coat. Happy year of the rabbit, yall.

Notice on Hiatus

2011-02-03T11:10:00.003-05:00

Evidently I have been missing for about a year, and for very good reason. The very good reason is that I can't access my blog where I am. Therefore I haven't had anything interesting or new posted.

I may make one more post and then I expect total silence for another year or so, depending on where I end up living.

Here's something of note, I've been really happy to be in the nation of my birth and I don't regret being here, even if there are things I don't like about being home. It does a lot to remind me about the truths that are easy to forget when I'm away, namely my poverty and obscurity. (After all, I spend most of the year as a middle-class celebrity)

It also reminds me of the people I haven't seen and the value of long term relationship. It's easy for me to be in short-term communities of extreme closeness and near daily interaction, but those relationships are hard to maintain afterwards, when I move into a different, intense community with quick and close relationships. There are very few people that I have had regular contact with over a long period of time, and for me, five years is a long period of time.

I imagine it like a think array of shallow roots. It's a weird analogy that I could just as well reverse. I then think of taproots, conical straight down. It's one thing to see people every day and be close to them for a year or two. It's another thing to stay in reasonable contact for years, and to have a long-term closeness and shared memory.

Every year seems to be about going through some huge change, like a meat grinder. This year it hinting at working hard and making a really unnatural effort to reach out and seriously care about a lot of people I haven't been close to in a long time.

It's in a very positive light, though. For a long time it was a struggle to do the right thing without being genuinely motivated to do it, now, by a lot of grace and a lot of help, it is better.

No News

2010-07-31T08:34:00.001-04:00

I'm really thankful that last nights sudden illness didn't carry over into today. In a few minutes I'll go home and make another attempt to kill my room mate, the cockroach.

Once again

2010-07-30T03:19:00.002-04:00

Here's the beautiful place where I live. After a long time without, I will very happily be able to update Blogger for about 25 days.

glad to be back.

The roll out.

2010-02-22T14:28:00.002-05:00

More fun! So long as the snow doesn't stop my flights, I'll be on the move in a couple of hours, continuing for the next four or five days. Yay.

Hey, It's like my life! Ha.

2010-02-20T10:37:00.003-05:00

Today's bread story was about the numerical book, chapter 9 and line 19-23 about the traveling nation and how they followed a pillar.
I relate most to the part about waiting and setting out as soon as the pillar moves. Sometime it's overnight and you just take off. To me, that's exciting. Being all packed for the road is easiest when you're going to roll out. But sometimes the people had to park for a year. I can imagine someone thinking. "I could have built a little house and planted stuff, but I didn't know. I hate waiting."
It reminds me of what my friend Jonathan said. I don't like staying in one place, not doing anything and just waiting, knowing that no matter how long I have to stay in a place, I still have to be ready to go any second. What a need for trust and what a need for peace and understanding that the time isn't being wasted.

Open-fire-Dryer, Squatting and the Spiderpede

2010-02-19T22:36:00.002-05:00

who knew that it's just a cylinder of clothes next to a cylinder full of flames. What advanced technology.

I moved into a recently vacated room in the building my friends own so they could rearrange the place I was staying.
except today the power was turned off, which includes heat. That's what I get for being a squatter. My friends couldn't get the power company to turn it back on before Monday. I was more amused than sad. It seems reasonable for the former tenant to stop paying utilities.

So I went in the basement for the light, the laundry and the wireless access, where I discovered the exposed dryer fire.

After collecting my laundry, I punched happily away at my email until I looked down and saw the worst thing ever: a spiderpede. I don't know what they're really called but I hate them as much as I hate ticks. They're centipede length with dozens of spider legs. It looks like pure evil, like a twisted wicked spider or centipede mutated horribly and ate centipedes until it became the Uruk-kai abomination of the scary insect world.

I would have taken a picture of it, but I felt it urgent to blast it out of existence with the first box I could reach. Then I took all my stuff up out of the basement. When I go bed I will wear earplugs and cover my eyes the way I do when I live with cats.

My Unrequitted Love of Libraries

2010-02-08T21:49:00.002-05:00

I still love the libraries of this city. I brought 23-month-old friend to the children's section. There were several people talking about writing and the writing process. That was exciting, but I didn't get involved.
Unfortunately, the conversation turned to hating on schoolteachers, e.g. "They only work six hours a day, nine months out of the year...so overpaid." which made me glad I wasn't in the conversation.

It was a little shocking because somehow I didn't expect teacher-bashing from a librarian, thinking that there was some camaraderie to the knowledge world that both occupations are part of.

I wonder if maybe she felt that librarians are equal to or higher up than teachers in that world and that she as a librarian should be paid more.

Either way, I won't be quick to tell her I'm a teacher.

Rolling along

2010-02-05T21:34:00.003-05:00

Someone asked me if I feel like my life has been harder than the lives of others. I admitted that I have often felt that way, but have also recently realized that everyone else in the worlds probably feels that way, or should. The real issue is that life is lousy because this is not the only world, and we shouldn't keep ourselves attached to this world.

Awww, look at the cute duckling. Look at its cute little foot pressed up by its cute little face.

I had another conversation--this happens a lot--about the ravages of bipolar disorder. Where I live, my closest friends were all born the same year and have all experienced it. I have long complained that the problem with bipolar in the community is that it affects your interface with other people. If you have any disease, especially a not-terminal disease, you can still be a sweet or consistent person or whatever. Your personality stays the same. But if you have a psychological disease, like bipolar, that makes you think differently or act differently, there's a meshing of who you are and the problem you have.

It's easy to think of my friends with the disorder as good people burdened with an illness. It's hard to think of my mom that way. I could get away with calling her a burden. She send another email this morning and I got mad. Most people who know her can't even think of her as a person with a problem. They think of her as a living problem. I think of her that way, too. After everything so many have tried, reaching a person like that is way beyond any of our means.

Score

2010-01-30T22:47:00.002-05:00

although Murphy was right. As everyone predicted, as soon as I troubled my boss to resend the documents that had been lost and she had to interrupt the country-wide two-week shutdown for me, something in the mail got un-lost. I go my work-permit yesterday. Yay. No idea what happened to my invitation letter, but that has somehow been provided for, as well.
the intercession has come through.

assured!

2010-01-23T00:21:00.002-05:00

I can be comfortably certain of one thing, this is never going to be comfortably certain. I think I've known this for years and years, but the longing is so strong for security, that we want it more than we believe in it. There will always be something horribly wrong, or much more complicated than necessary, or in some way stressful.
Being calm and trusting the only trustworthy person is actually not that hard, when you ask for better trust, what's actually hard is doing it without looking glaringly irresponsible and in-denial of all reality.

scramble ramble damble

2010-01-19T20:50:00.003-05:00

What's the worst that could happen? My documents that I need could arrive on Saturday morning, too late for me to send them to Chicago, and I have to go to Chicago by myself. Erg.
Actually it could be much worse. My visa could be rejected entirely.
but if I'm meant to be there, he'll get me there. I can only be faithful in continuing to do the work I need to do. The great thing about running errands is that you see people you know and that's always fun. It's actually exciting to have so much to run around and get done in the next four days.

Peace, world.

Tortillavision

2010-01-13T23:44:00.003-05:00

When children are sick, they get to watch more T.V. Or they can make a T.V. out of a tortilla box and the non-ill ones can have a show.

The little explorer discovered a DVD of 180 very old cartoons. Some were actual classics and one was my all-time favorite, one of the pillars of my childhood. Can you identify it without looking at my facebook status?

More cuteness.

2010-01-06T23:48:00.009-05:00

dedicated to Jodi....
*everything is lo-o-ost...oh o-o-oh*
but you know that you can take it to the L...
I promise if people keep reading my blog, I'll keep taking cute pictures to post. So there, read my blog.

Focus on the Good

2010-01-02T23:50:00.002-05:00

Urbana had some painful good things and some not so painful good things. I got engaged. I was encouraged by seeing people I missed and connected with.
Reentry is not fun. The experience we go through often feels like responsibly putting a book in the bottom level of a very tall bookshelf when suddenly, the whole thing breaks, showering you with monster leather volumes and the whole oak case, itself. Sometime it feels like carrying a mass of bags that after much careful organization, each rip open just as you finish cleaning up the last spill.

Sometimes it feels like being one of the sheets of metal in the how-a-tuba-is-made video and you're getting pounded and pounded.

I'm returning to the stressful world that comes after Urbana. It's cold, it's tempting and I feel really bad today. I feel once again as thought my walk toward the Boss consists of one painful process after another.

cuteness just for you

2009-12-26T19:56:00.005-05:00

In case you didn't know about the amazing cuteness I encounter every day.

You may know, though, that the difficulty in childraising is that they have GREAT ideas about how to have fun, you just have more knowledge about technique. One kid tried making a tent on the couch. One of his parents gave him a chair. for structure.
since I wanted to sit on the couch, I pressed the kid into the two-chair method. Then I got my afghan and connected the tent to the chair so I could capture all of the thermal energy generated by the children.

and a picture of a submarine thrown in for no reason.

here you go, christmas. mostly pictures

2009-12-25T12:26:00.006-05:00

For the folks still on the other side, look at all the easily acquired traditional food. There was no pie, though.

my endeavor was to chronicle what we typically eat, in response to my paux pas about junk food.

I also documented the plate-passing to illuminate how we manage lots of people and dishes without a round table or a spinning plate.

like everyone else, we go right to opening presents and singing twelve days of christmas.

Until it's gone.

2009-12-24T19:18:00.002-05:00

I got on a bus and rode several miles, then I walked to my cousin's house. Rather than going in the front, I walked around the back where all the cars were. She came outside and I I said, "Katie!" since I didn't know what else to say. That was how I announced my arrival.
One thing that stood out this Christmas Kate's husband (Dave) saying "The stuffing goes around the table until it's gone. The turkey goes around until it's gone."
great initiative.

sidenote

2009-12-24T00:33:00.002-05:00

about the food discussion from last friday.
during that talk about traditional Christmas food, I muttered, "Junk food..." the Chinese guy sitting next to me immediately responded, "Yes! I think so!" which threw me into a panic of "Oh no! I just reinforced a negative stereotype. NooOOOOooo!" so I backpedalled to, "I mean I get a stocking of candy and we eat cake. But we eat a lot of vegetables, too." and I starting thinking upward, "Father, I sure hope someone invites him to a Christmas meal and they serve him HEALTHY food so he doesn't spend his whole life thinking all Americans eat are hamburgers, pop and candy."
which may have been my own lack of confidence. Evidently, the moments when I feel Chinese matter-of-factly looking down on anything about my heritage e.g. "Americans only eat junk food...Americans have lousy family values...Americans pollute more...Americans are inferior at this or that." insert emoticon with frown and steaming head, i.e ~>:[

In final thoughts, even the place I love the most, there is discomfort, as our only true home is in that Other Place, where He is. Going somewhere else on Earth is longer an escape, but a real journey away from something good into something difficult, though wonderful.

Finally I got it

2009-12-18T22:03:00.002-05:00

Isn't it great to have a really, really good friend? By that, I mean, someone who listens and helps while still treating you like an equal, and is also honest and fun. I have a friend like that. Every time I talk to her, it's like growing healthier. It's a lot like the conversations I had with my team. There are some hard things, because she's honest, but never judgmental.

In other news, went to Chinese fellowship. Learned the word for psychology (xinlixue) and attended the most all-in-English service I've had on a Friday night there, ever. In discussion with the dude I met on Wednesday and--as expected--saw again today, egg nog is a hard thing to explain. e.g. "Er, I don't actually know. We always buy it already made. They never used to cook it, but there is a way to cook eggs as a liquid (called tempering)..."
other great questions: "cooked eggs or fresh eggs?" "What food does your mother make on Christmas day"--it hit me, then, OH, that's right, the food is a VERY important part of everything in China, and I guess universally. But it always seems extra important to the Chinese I have met, whereas I tend to feel that we explain the rituals and history then list the food as a sidenote. "Do you drink cranberry juice?" final interesting thing: 'Christmas Week.' I usually think of it as a day, or two days. I don't remember if ChunJie is a weeklong, thing, but it seemed like it was, and if so, it's helping me see Christmas through Chinese eyes, imagining they must approach it as a longer celebration that I thought. It is logical, considering New Year's a week later smushes in with Christmas in the holiday season.

Messing with the Cover Again

2009-12-18T00:30:00.002-05:00

There, I did it again. I made a new cover for my novel. I'm still not allowed to edit the prose or finish the research until I take my TEFL test.

2009-12-15T22:59:00.002-05:00

I am a WINNER. Today I have officially been away from my book for well over two weeks. I've limited myself in that I have to take my TEFL test before I can edit.

In other news:
emailed my mom about some family drama. That ought to be fun
time management, what ever happened? With children, it's hard. You're nowhere near as efficient. Not only do they need attention (and the activities they invite you into are REALLY fun. Come on, building train tracks? Let's go!) but if you are working on something, you need to keep it under seven layers of security to prevent it being destroyed. Eh.

I don't want a lot for Christmas...

2009-12-14T22:02:00.008-05:00

Yesterday I was thankful that no matter what mistakes I make and what goes wrong when I'm taking care of the little fellas, they remain safe an healthy.
A couple of weeks ago, one of them asked, "Why do you take care of us?" and I said, "Because your parents take care of me." For a moment I tried to imagine his point of view, wondering why someone he's known for a while now lives with him and routinely is left alone with him and his brothers.
I had a cool "Daily Bread" type story from today. But since I can't remember it, I'll go with an older one:
worried about my lack of exercise, I convinced the boys of the joys of running laps. The older boys had finished all of their punishment laps, but I wanted to tire them out more. I insisted we needed to get the toddler to run laps, too. But he wouldn't respond to his brothers' instructions of how to run laps around the yard. I maintained that we needed to all run the right way and he would follow us. That was harder than just explaining or just doing it myself. If only one or two of us ran, the little guy saw that as reason enough join the one idling. I couldn't get the whole crowd in motion for very long, but I liked it as an anecdote. It's the kind of life we have to live as a community, and the life I hope to return to very soon. We can't just explain or talk. Living well individually is great, but the community is compelling, and most compelling when working together. Also, life example is more compelling than just instruction, especially when what is being said is barely understood, not necessarily accepted as desirable or outside or otherwise overpowered.
There's lots of words in the books that could go along with this. There's the ones about running, finishing the race, running not as one running idly. Better are the ones about living as a body, supporting one another and being light.

Not that crazy. Not that safe.

2009-12-13T21:46:00.002-05:00

Our shepherd allowed a guy who had is hand up for a long time during the talk (about first John and believing in the son) and it went haywire from there. The man, who's name was Maliku, wanted to disagree with the teaching in progress, quoting something from a chapter of the last book, the revealing book.
The shepherd was patient, and finally told Maliku to stop. When he wouldn't stop, Malik was told to leave. It took several of the men to get him to leave and ultimately had to involve law enforcement.
A lot of things came to mind for me: homelessness, madness, little wormwoods running around and controlling people, my sense of racism, and the reality of the city and the calling we have here.
I don't know anything about Maliku except that he fits my stereotype of a creepy homeless guy. He was talking to himself and in the class before fellowship time, he did participate and I don't remember what he had to say being very crazy. After years of living here, I tend to ignore the guys like Maliku, never making eye contact of trying to talk to them, and usually tuning out what they have to say.

I shouldn't have been surprised by what happened during the speaking time, but I was. It made it clear that even in our building, we can't assume ourselves completely safe.

Random learning and cookies.

2009-12-12T22:56:00.002-05:00

Here in America, the first two weeks or December are heavily booked, once again. This week I passed up an art show and a caroling expedition. But I did do a cookie exchange.
What surprised me was how nourishing it was.
I knew cookie exchanges are a rite passage, in a way, for females. In the last five years of being both an adult and a member of this fellowship, I've never been to one.
For some reason I was surprised by the devotional and the encouraging discussion. It brought to light just how supportive that group of sisters has been and how thankful I am to be a part of it.

I already said it I'll say it again

2009-12-11T22:00:00.003-05:00

The time that I'll be flying back to China will be the five year anniversary of the day I don't remember. The fact that it took me over a month to realize it was kind of funny. I'm not sure if it should matter.

And on it goes.

2009-12-11T01:13:00.001-05:00

I was in a white elephant gift party today. I gave two paintings. I won a song. It was awesome. It's too bad I didn't write something for it.
Peace to all.

This is my Hundredth post!

2009-12-08T22:47:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I must focus on multiple things: 1)producing multiple gifts for the white-elephant gift party on Thursday. 2) finishing my TEFL certification course 3)Enjoying my last free Wednesday before Editing begins 4)tying up loose ends for Urbana and Christmas before editing begins and taking advantage of the last Wednesday for doing so.
There's actually a longer list, but that's what most urgently comes to mind.

I'm going to more earnestly follow Shannon's advice of writing down the devotionals I keep making up.

Peace to all.

Escaping

2009-12-07T21:02:00.003-05:00

they were right. I did get significantly thinner. Even more to my credit, I'm wearing something like four pairs of pants.
I spent 25 hours on a bus with everything I own, really. I won't be able to get back anything I left behind.
I nearly missed the bus at first and had to run for it. I nearly missed another transfer because the two previous layovers were delayed.
I overheard a lot of conversations. But I arrived. It was nearly a month ago.

Noel Night

2009-12-05T21:23:00.002-05:00

It's full-fledged winter here. In multiple layers of clothing, everyone walked through the cultural district to the activities happening in the library, science center, museums and various parts of the universities here.
The problem with this weekend is that everything happens this weekend. I chose one morning activity and one evening activity, turning down three alternatives that arose.
I can be thankful to have such choice.
Peace all.

All I can think about

2009-12-04T22:17:00.003-05:00

Hmmm. What do you do when your brain gets focused on one thing too much? I had a great discussion about my mom and siblings with my mentor the other day.
Something that stood out for me was the concept of thoughts getting stuck in a circuit and impeding growth. My mom never had a chance to grow up, possibly because her mind was doing laps around the same thing over and over again, and never moving forward in reality.
When I find myself going back to an old train of thought, I remember that and feel even more exhorted to leave it alone as I've already dealt with it, or take it once again to the only one that can really clean it up.

In other news, I'm thinking a lot about my future in China and how badly I want to go back.
I also just finished my novel, the first draft, that is. But it's the first draft that contains a complete story, organization and a reasonably easy rewrite-editing process. On december 15th, I'm going to allow myself to look at it again, read it again, and start editing.
For fact-checking purposes, I want to get a readable draft to my colleagues in China after the semester ends, but before they get caught up in whatever else is going on this winter.

As always, life is difficult, but it's also great.

The Inspired Life

2009-11-04T01:26:00.016-05:00

I got all exited about book covers last night, well, Monday night and stayed up designing in a cover for my novel.

When I think about writing I remember something Laura said last year. When she got the opportunity to practice dancing on campus, she said she felt the Father telling her he loves her.

That's how I feel writing. You can see Him reflecting in your life by what he made you good at

Here's the process I used to make the cover. No photoshop involvement, just MS paint and an obscure program called photosoap.

crop to novel dimensions

labor-intensive airbrushing

even more labor-intensive

more contrast, different hue, then less color and darker = goal to make you feel like something is wrong, out of place (exile, get it?)

adding text, at the mercy of MS paint

I just needed some labor intensive text decorations

erase, crop, color/brightness/contrast change

split them into two different images and rotate. mess with colors again

look where I put them. They were worth it.
enlarge, stretch and move text. add byline.

This final looked too depressing so I changed the text to white

available at amazon.com

just kidding!

fell off the face of the earth

2009-11-01T03:06:00.002-05:00

in case you were wondering. All of my writing ability is going into novel-world right now.
Please lift me up. My EKG was less than ideal and I've been having trouble breathing. There may be something wrong with my heart.

Attractive ribcages and other blessings

2009-10-28T21:35:00.002-04:00

Today was so full of blessings that I worry that it may even have been too good to be true.
My physical exam seemed to go off without a hitch, oh I hope they remembered all of the tests and it passes the standards of the embassy. But I trust Him and He was faithful today. For one thing, it cost a lot less than I expected and all of the procedures were minimal in pain.
I also managed to get both a disc and films of my x-rays even though I'm only supposed to get one or the other.
I even managed to ride in a car with my brother-in-law without feeling sick.

Today was like a hinge between here and China, as if this was the big remaining hurdle between me and announcing that I'm officially going back. I am going back, I trust Him to take me back.

And the best thing about today was seeing my niece seeming to praise Him. I was playing a CD and she started dancing and squealing with excitement. I was so full of Him from His goodness today that I danced, too. She was doing some kind singing and spurting happily in her little walker, wheeling her little arms and kicking her little legs.

I only hope she will really know Him. I wonder if maybe, even though I've failed in a lot of other ways, that she perceived His light and will remember it.

Day of encouragement

2009-10-27T20:38:00.002-04:00

Today by happenstance I found myself making phone calls and sending emails.
I keep forgetting how much I like hearing from people, especially believers.
One of my calls lifted my whole day, though it consisted of generally bad news.
I was speaking to someone who cared deeply for me and many many others in my life and who was giving to all of us. The people she cared about were suffering and having to make really difficult decisions. Well, all around us, our friends are making really difficult decisions. But this woman said it all without bitterness or misery. She spoke as one firmly rooted in a strong foundation and eager to help. She didn't even act disappointed in or judgmental of her loved ones, but matter-of-fact.
I told her my own bad news and my hope that it could still be used for good.
After talking to her, I went into some intense knee-time. Somehow I felt good in the midst of empathy. Like the raw crying out to our Protector brought him clearer and closer in a desperate time.
I want to leave this city so badly for my old city. Even more, I want to leave this country and this hemisphere for the place I was called. And most of all I want to leave the Earth and this body for heaven. None of us belong here and my day made me miss home, the real home. But it was a good day because I was reminded of heaven, our real home, as I spoke to the Father there.

Floating in safety

2009-10-26T23:05:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a day spent in the Father's presence, with the Father's people. It's amazing that I would up feeling close to Him without doing a quiet time. Most of my life and devotional in the past few months has been solitary, and I've missed the community side.
I woke up this morning feeling like I was floating in a cloud and I felt really safe.

Cake. Did I mention Cake?

2009-10-25T20:21:00.002-04:00

Alas, I didn't bring Jaylen with me, so no high-quality picture. I bet my people in China are jealous that I spent some hour and a half participating in a cake walk. I spent the whole time pondering how cake-walks are about the best social activity in the world. I fantasized organizing one in China. How?
There was a very cultural event called "harvest festival." that doubled as a halloween party. Cotton candy, popcorn, snowcones, hotdogs, hamburgers, clown activities and assorted carnival throw-things-and-win-candy games. Oh, and a moonwalk and minigolf. Man, I wanted to take pictures to show my future students and show them American life in a festival. That's how we do festivals. Oh, and hay-ride.

It was a community outreach of sorts done by the youth of a fellowship. The best part of it was spending it with a new unusual friend I met in Sunday school. She reminds me of my students with her longing for friendship and her age. She shared a lot about her family and the disabilities she's struggled with.
I hope that this new relationship can be one in which I can serve and help disciple her and practice having healthy boundaries with a fairly needy person. May it be discerning and healthy.

Oh and she loves cakewalks, too.

Choosing to lose, again and again

2009-10-24T21:10:00.002-04:00

So I lose. So long as God wins. Sermons and devotionals keep bringing up Philippians and the Sermon on the Mount. Loving my enemies and thinking others better than myself.
And it's hard. Everyone knows that. The people I'm being called to love are my sister and my brother-in-law, who have done a lot to be enemies to me. Every time they visited my apartment when I was in college (before they got married), they disrespected me and my home with their lewd conduct that would go as far as dry-humping on my room mate's bed--laughing in my face when I told them to stop---and various heavy petting routines both in my apartment and in the parking lot of my church where I had gone to trouble to allow them to park. I was ashamed to see my only remaining family member descending to such a level, to see someone I didn't know treating her like an object and I was angry that they reveled in mocking my sense of right and wrong.
I also felt inadequate and weak for not standing up to them and telling them what they were doing was wrong and hurting me.
But I have to love them because crooked, selfish and immature as they are, they are loved by God and covered by his blood. And what's harder is I have to apologize to him. Whenever I look at him all I see are those few times I've met him that led to witnessing his public sexual activity with my beloved sister. I have felt like he's gloating his power over me because I let him have sex in my apartment once, giving him license to do it all he wants in the future. And it makes me sick.
So sick that I've broken things. So they reprimanded me like a child, fired me as their full-time babysitter and told me to leave their house. No remorse over what they've done to me. My anger over their fornication in my home and the glaring disrespect that drove it--to them--is just an attempt to force my religion on them.
It's weird, walking around, perceived as the wrongdoer when I see myself as the victim and the giver.

Today added more insult to injury. Besides being ashamed of having seen my sister being humped like a dog in my own apartment, I'm also ashamed that I can't drive. I've been weakly asking my sister for help practicing for a long time, greatly impeded by my shame.
Well, today after weeks of begging we practiced parallel parking. But she thought to help by having her husband do the instructing.
It was hellish being a pupil to someone who's face and voice make me want to vomit blood. I hated that he was once again in a position of power. I wanted him to go away. I wanted him to realize how he had hurt me and my sister and be sorry. I wanted an opportunity to be in a position of power over him. But I was stuck, having to submit to his arrogance. He probably thought he was being very helpful and I should be grateful.
I just had to keep thinking about loving my enemy and treating others as better, even if they seen no reason why I consider them enemies and they're well-convinced that they're better than I am.
All I can say is that it hurts. And God is still good and has some plan for all of this.

My 300

2009-10-23T23:28:00.002-04:00

I found it really amusing that I'm aiming for two checked bags of 50 pounds each plus a carry-on bag of fifty pounds. Altogether they'll weigh the same as I do, so I'll be responsible for getting 300 pounds total to my next destination. That's my three hundred.
I've spent the last six years of my life moving about twice a year. I'm really experienced at packing. I'm good at shedding things. With four years of going on retreats I'm good at running through a lightning checklist and throwing a back together. I can travel light. But I also travel heavy when I have to take everything I own with me. I've done it so many times.
No permanent address. No place I think of as home.
But that's just a reflection of our true plight here on Earth. This planet is not our home. Nothing on it will ever be enough to satisfy our hearts. And we can't take any of it with us. So my life is telling the truth. I don't have a home. None of us do here, and I don't even have the illusion of one.

Trying to describe myself

2009-10-21T22:24:00.003-04:00

Every day is a cultural adventure. I got really caught up yesterday looking at the blogs of "homesteaders," which I discovered are urban women who try and produce as much as possible to avoid consumerism. This appealed to me so much. There's the environmental aspect of it, the frugal aspect of it, and the romanticized notion doing things the old-fashioned way, shunning additives, import and mass-production.

Hmmm. reminds me of how much it bothered me to find that people here don't recycle.
"What?!! But...but...the Earth!"

Looks good so far.

2009-10-20T22:25:00.002-04:00

I've prided myself in taking strides over all of the major obstacles to getting back to China. I've signed the contract, I've scheduled my physical, I've been keeping up somewhat on what this is going to cost. I've been pursuing the kingdom. Now, it's still not in my hands. There's a greater power at work here. I just trust Him to take me where I belong. I can only hope that my real hopes are in Him and not in China, so that if, at the last minute, it were to all disappear, and I were to be left with nothing, that I would still call Him good, and my situation good, and go where He really wants me. That's where I want my heart to be, and I'm working to get it there.

A Strange Burden

2009-10-18T19:39:00.001-04:00

I was watching a DVD sermon from the fellowship that brought me to faith. It was called, "how does your God stack up?" and it consisted of comparing four "spiritual leaders" in the areas of teaching, (how influential they were) Morality, (how consistent their lives were with their teaching) prophesy, miracles and some other criteria. Four big blocks were place on the stage with their names: Confucius, Buddha, (though it was spelled Buddah) Mohamed and Jesus.

The premise was that whatever belief you choose to follow, your leader should have certain characteristics. More blocks were stacked on top of the names depending on how well each did. Some had bigger teaching blocks. Jesus had more. Mohamed's morality block was really thin. Only Jesus got prophesy, miracles or resurrection. It was true. It was fair.

But after being in China for so long and being so thoroughly cross-culturally trained, something felt wrong about it. I understood the illustration's point, and it was wonderfully executed for its target audience. That fellowship is made of suburban people, mostly, and the talk was addressing a specific ideology: Middle class American Agnostic thinking, something like, "Well, Jesus is just like the other great teachers, Confucius, Buddha and Mohamed. He's not any more right. People can all follow whatever they want, so I'll follow whatever I want and what works for me."

In addressing that Ideology, the sermon showed that those great teachers are not all equal, and we have to choose rather than floating in relativism. I was a great talk back when I was a suburban American.

But I couldn't help thinking that as a Chinese-Marinated College Educated Cross-cultural servant, I was uncomfortable. I imaged what would happen if a Chinese person saw that presentation. They would be offended, shamed, and shut down emotionally. Or I imagined someone who's read what I've read thinking, "Well, Buddha wasn't exactly a religious leader. And Confucius was just secular in his teaching, refusing to even address the divine issues."
Certainly some people can't be reached by those talks. Thank God some people can, I only hope they can keep learning and understanding so they don't do anything ignorant with their faith.

I also identified a striking moment of being an overseas veteran in the American Church. I expected to be irritated by my stateside brothers and sisters, but here was a moment I didn't expect.

It's important to tell him

2009-10-17T22:00:00.002-04:00

I've spent time in His presence today and it brought back life. It's renewing just to listen. It's great to tell Him how great He is. It's safe to tell Him what I'm afraid of and what I want most.

So that's what I did. He assured me that no matter what is happening, I will be under His care and I will survive because He will provide.

the creepy laowai

2009-10-15T23:46:00.003-04:00

I remember a conversation I had with a former classmate and some friends of his when we met up in Beijing in June. We were talking about the shady looking expatriots in China, known to us at the creepy laowai. My classmate had recently spoken to our professor (we were in different classes, but both had him) about that subject and reported what he had said. What stood out to me was the part about not being accepted in their home countries (I assumed their American, but who knows) and also becoming creepy gradually.
So the really creepy thing is that they might start out just normal, but their role in China somehow enables them to bend into something else.
But here's what disturbed me and why I thought of it: I spent a lot of time today missing China and feeling not accepted in my native country. I've struggled several times with the thought of accidentally turning into the creepy laowai.
But I also remember something a staffworker told me when we returned from my first trip to China, he kept saying something like, "be content with where you are." He had said it many times before. It was good advice, but hard to hear. I don't want to be here. I want to go back to China. And I've been convicted more and more to accept where I am and be present here and serve here. I want to.
I also know I won't really become a creepy laowai because I can choose to focus on my unending source and ask for help keeping straight. I can ask to be made better and to purify my motives.
I believe He will bring me back to China.
The hard part is waiting.

Broke something else, a fast.

2009-10-14T22:01:00.002-04:00

Well that's funny. I uploaded the wrong picture. I fasted starting on Friday and today, the fifth day, I couldn't take it any more. I ate some semisolid refried beans and drank some milk. That's some inadequate 500 calories. I found I've been doing it for too many reasons and too many of the wrong ones. Part of it was stubbornness. My brother-in-law told me that if I was going to stick around, I needed to find a job and pay for food and electricity, so I responded with utmost noverbal sarcasm by refusing to eat his food. Needless to say, it was a much harder fast than the one I experienced at age 19. By the end of that fast I lasted 7 days while still doing school and laborious work, plus I had gone 1-day then 2-day then 3-day then 4-day then 5-day then 6-day before starting the 7-day fast. It was actually the first season of unbelievable growth and closeness to the Father.
This time there were some eternal benefits. I was able to lift up a lot of people and feel very much in need of the great Creator.
Anyway, I'm going to go a few more days and probably transition to at least liquids.

Aw, man, 55

2009-10-13T23:40:00.000-04:00

Turns out my alma mater is having a conference at the catering/conference center at which I used to work. I really want to go and technically I could present, except it might be somewhat of a fiasco. The conference is about teaching Chinese, which I have never done in a formal setting, although I have done the opposite: teaching English in China. I wonder if I can pull it off, maybe if I just presented it as a comparison and contrasting of how teaching the two languages is different. I could also pull from my time as a Chinese student. Who knows. It would be so much fun.

Mercy and more

2009-10-11T22:54:00.000-04:00

I've learned more and more about mercy this week. Some things have already gotten better I can only keep relying on grace and hope to help others even while being helped.

I actually feel pity

2009-10-10T23:09:00.001-04:00

Big Turtle! Crossing cultures in my native country. I "Carefront" You know, confronting because you care. It's hard, especially when you care a lot about people who don't hold to any doctrine, let alone a doctrine calling for humility and forgiveness. No call to admit wrongs, either. But I hold those doctrines, so I'll have to admit that I don't sincerely care about one of the people. Maybe that's my problem. But I'll need to think about that more.
What's important is that I live in a fishtank that doesn't call for forgiveness. It seems to push for vengeance instead. It's also a place where people don't talk about their feelings. I didn't do very well. My culture shock didn't reflect what I wanted it to, but hopefully my humility and response to my wrongdoings will.
And I feel sorry for this culture, because I know I will always be provided for, some how, that I'll have my most important need met. But I'm dealing with miserable people that think their hard work will earn them everything, not realizing everything could be taken away from them. And none of it will fulfill them anyway. It's materialism they follow, and it's killing them. But it will never kill me. So I feel sorry for them.

Ahh! Acid?

2009-10-09T23:19:00.000-04:00

In the Rylisms devotions, Ryle recalls a dream he has in which he saw a messenger (the kind we think of with wings) pouring acid on a man's head. When he asked what the messenger was doing, he was told, "This acid is all of the curses he's spoken against others." Graphic indeed! Ryle's exhortation is to not curse, but to speak and wish good on others. Ok, good. I agree. I want to do right and good by others, no matter what they do to me. So hopefully I'll speak good on others in my quiet time, even those who are cursing me now, because they do it in ignorance and even though they appear safer and more powerful, the place where my hope is set will always be stronger that the place where their hope is set, and I will long be the safe one.

Hmmm, how do I cross cultures? #165

2009-10-08T22:04:00.000-04:00

Here's something that sets this fish tank apart from the last one I lived in: exercise. I think I'm at an all time low for activity unless I try really hard to get it in. Last year I could easily lap the school when I was restless. I could also go to my office for an easy ten flight of stairs. Even during my senior year of college I walked an hour or two a day to work or class. Here, there aren't even sidewalks, so I convinced my sister to get an elliptical. In China sports were for everybody. We ran two miles together in the morning, the favorite pastime was badminton and walking was really fun and necessary. But here in the U.S., we don't seem to have it ingrained into life. I miss it.

Rights to Relationship #165

2009-10-08T00:37:00.000-04:00

I ended up on skype hoping to find my team mates, and found another relative. What was significant was that I've felt like I lost the right to have relationships with most of the family the first second time I was exiled. I've also done a lot of knee time for another serious dilemma and the answer I've been getting this will has been opening doors to relationships with the family I thought I had lost.

Some unexpected encouragement

2009-10-05T03:23:00.000-04:00

It's weird to go from the cast-out black sheep to the "good one" in one conversation, but somehow I managed. Last night I was counting off how many times I've been kicked out of homes or organizations (in the past six years.) I was thinking this way because I was expecting a passive-aggressive and recently violent fight I was having to lead to exile number seven.
I ended up talking to the owner of the second home from which I was booted.
"I think they're going to kick me out. I broke a mirror," I said.
She was shocked. I tried saying, "I've been kicked out of many places," But glossed over it because it wasn't the point of the conversation.
I explained how I was frustrated and she said she understood, and she was proud of my accomplishments and sacrifice. It was the last place I expected to find support.
The other two girls from the same home are having a lot of difficulties, and have for years. I think now that they lost more than I did when I had to go away. And I'm not the black sheep, at least not in that family, after all. It was the most encouraging thing I've learned in a while.

167 waiting

2009-10-03T23:49:00.000-04:00

It's one of my favorite songs "strength will rise as we wait..." and that part repeats--a lot. But I don't like waiting. I don't like repeatedly waiting. I've spent my quiet times saying, "I want an answer! Am I going back or not? Will I get the job or not?"
As usually, He showed me some other things to stop worrying about, that I've worried about longer. And although today was no great day, the time of quiet was really peaceful and sustaining.

168 sour grapes

2009-10-01T22:06:00.000-04:00

Eze 18:2 What is it to you that you use this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying, The fathers have eaten sour grapes and the teeth of the sons are dull?
Eze 18:3 As I live, says the L Y, to you there is no longer any occasion to use this proverb in Israel.
Eze 18:4 Behold, all souls are Mine. As the soul of the father, also the soul of the son, they are Mine. The soul that sins, it shall die
I don't know if there are a lot of people who relate to this verse in their families, but there are definitely some. My black-sheep status in at least one family has more to do with my parents than it does with me. All the difficulty I have caring about my niece has nothing to do with her and everything to do with her father. I'm still determined not to punish her unfairly just because of what her parents did. It's a relief to know that the one in control is just and will take care of people who follow him, and also find ways to punish bad parents without wronging their children.

What did they sacrifice?

2009-09-30T21:08:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about Jonah some more, and I realized that there's something else significant about the two verses that stood out when I read it before. They threw the cargo into the sea to lighten the ship. After they threw Jonah in, they made sacrifices and vows.
1) What was left to sacrifice? Just their own stuff?
2) Does that mean they hadn't thrown their own stuff into the sea in the panic? I think that's true to human nature.
3) What if they didn't have a lot of stuff to sacrifice, so did some of them instead make sacrifices of service, like the ones we tend to make in the pursuit of the father? Well, it's hard to imagine OT people doing anything that wasn't a literal ceremony that we, supposedly more sophicated NTers do all of the less visable acts of devotion. But who knows?

168 Well he brings good news

2009-09-30T00:14:00.000-04:00

Although I'm currently swimming in a polluted fish tank, (I'm sick of calling it culture) and every day is difficult, I have gotten such
good news lately. Two people who journeyed with me two summers ago have gotten engaged. Another saint who journeyed with me last year is going back to lead. I'm hoping the good news will continue for me. I'm in the midst of trying to get the channels open for another round of visa hoop-jumping--hoops through which I would be overjoyed to jump because it's worth it to be able to go back.

167 What was the cargo?

2009-09-28T16:43:00.000-04:00

I like to copy the whole chapter onto paper when I do an inductive study.
Here's the first round of Jonah. It really helped e to do this quiet time because there's a lot of madness going on around me and I can't handle it without going to the one who's in control. He told me to go for Jonah again, so I read the story. One thing that stood out to me was the part where "They threw the cargo into the sea to lighten the ship," 1:04. My thought was "What was the cargo?" Maybe there was someone waiting in Tarshish telling his family, "Once that shipment we invested in from Joppa gets here, we'll have it made for life." Or maybe it was like, "Don't worry, kids, just hold out until the medicine arrives from Joppa and we'll make you all better," (I was thinking of Balto, you know?) That is, it could have been a good and valuable thing. Or maybe it was a bad thing. Maybe it was illegal drugs or weapons ("Tarshish is going down when my boat comes in.")
Why does it matter? Because the cargo was dropped to save them from the storm. The storm was there to stop Jonah from running away, and Jonah was running away in disobedience. The boat probably sustained heavy damage in addition to loss of cargo and the people running the ship certainly lost some income because they couldn't deliver whatever loot they had to toss.
There are two things this made me conclude two things: 1) Any individual's disobedience (yours, mine, our parents') can cost someone else everything, so we have one more reason to obey and to be sobered to the consequences of any wrong we're doing now 2) The harsh consequences may still be used for good, (like the fact that the men believed because of the storm and offered sacrifice as well as slim possibility that the loss of cargo prevented an act of terror.) so we should see that the one in charge is still in charge and we should be thankful for his grace and power.

These memorable nightmares

2009-09-27T08:09:00.000-04:00

There were a group of us fighting this bad guy. And the place we were fighting resembled a traveling circus, vaguely.
I caught the bad guy and tried to take him to the light towers.
Forgot it wasn't safe to walk this road at night. The lions growled but didn't attack. I swung the joker around, expecting that if the lions attacked, I'd let them eat him instead.
Then I was running from him, go into the tower door and asked the girl in charge to help me because he was breaking in.
"Help! He's gonna get in the door. Help me!"
"Ok," she said casually. "I'm just gonna go check the fire and come back." She appeared to be changing.
"No he's getting in the door right NOW!"
She said and did something else I don't remember now.
"Come on, he's IN NOW." so I immobilized him again and said, "You've got to kill him. Get a knife and stab him."
but instead of using an appropriately shaped knife or an effective motion, she brought out a squarish cleaver thing and dragged it across his back. It might have worked if she had aimed better and not done more damage to my thumb that to his back. She sliced my hand about three times.
"You've got to do something. I can't hold him anymore," I said, seeing as she had obliterated my ability to grip with my good hand as she sliced it up.
At that point I woke up. I imagine he killed us both. In the dream I thought of him as the Joker, although he looked and acted exactly like my brother-in-law. The unhelpful girl was probably my sister.

#171 and My Cross-life experience in the US

2009-09-24T20:49:00.000-04:00

I have gotten really sick if the word "culture."
Apparently VA is not a state. Commonwealth? Amazing.

I'm from here, only I'm not really from here. I'm from the North, only I don't really belong there either.
Went to a cultural event last Saturday, something like a tractor-pull with lots of sides, especially the history of tractors and other caroids.
I've been to many fairs in my youth. This was the first time I went thinking, "So this is what Americans do.

#162 and yeah, bothered

2009-09-14T21:11:00.000-04:00

Easy stuff first. This is another world. Two guys on huge mowing monsters rolled out of a flatbed and roared onto an enormous lawn. Wow. Lawns. Wow, mowers.
I was next amazed at the way my relatives spend borrowed money on cars and home-beautifying.
I didn't even know how to explain that I'm not from here. I'm from the academic world, and also from the world of the committed believers. I consider myself successful for finishing my degree at a good research university without substantial help from anyone in my family. In fact, I supported myself more thoroughly and relied less on others than anyone I knew in college. I'm proud of being in the kiss-dating-goodbye school of thought and stuck to my convictions for five years so I could devote my time to learning and serving others.
Unfortunately, I seem to have remained weak, because the most frustrating thing about living in a different world like this is that other people see my success as failure, and that still bothers me. I know I shouldn't be upset by family members who look down on me, but I still do care.
That's been the fight this whole time and that's where I could use the most respectful (understanding, not pitying) support, especially intercession.

Legacies

2009-09-13T22:35:00.001-04:00

I did think of a good thing this time. I recall what one of us said last year about the work we do in each city. We work as a team and we go on with work that others teams started long ago. I though today about what I did and what kind of mark I made in the city I was in. I also thought about the city I live in now and how there is also a story of teams that work here. I don't know who they are or who was here long ago or not so long ago. It was hard to deal with being called here and I didn't want to come. My goal now is to find the legacy I'm working under and continue it while I am here, to live as light.

#164b and some genuine realizations

2009-09-12T22:47:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when all of your photo names are numbers and you opt to view them as a list instead of thumbnails. Makes for random fun.

Oh, for the days when the cross-cultural encounters were funny half the time or all the time and just plain hard without being funny at all half the time.
The cross-cultural journey I'm on now is really marked walls between differences in values. And they're really huge differences. I'm not just sharing light with an undeniably different group and place. This is a field that isn't easily acknowledged as a field, and it's much more difficult than the place I just left.

#164 and something very obvious

2009-09-10T23:02:00.001-04:00

Extremely obvious point of the day: "People want other people to care about them." Well, duh. Enormous Duh. This is based on a quote of the day about how what annoys us in other people reveals a lot about ourselves. Yeah, that's true. Another huge Duh. The people who annoy me most are the ones that don't care about me and situations in which I feel ignored are harder to endure than most. The people that I appreciate the most are the once who sincerely do care (sincerely is very important, to me that means they care about what's best for me, not just their own sense of power.)
Anyway, it occurred to me that other people probably feel the same way, wanting me to genuinely care. So, to be practical, I decided I would intentionally check my motivation in what I said to other people. Usually, since I do everything indirectly, things I say or write to other people tends to be roped around an attempt to be vulnerable and offer whoever it is an opportunity to understand and hopefully get some sense of sympathy or admiration. Even though I really want understanding from other people, this method had never worked and usually leads to some incredibly painful consequence for me. So what I did today was I asked, "Is this going to benefit so-and-so or is it attempt to try to be vulnerable with so-and-so." I've actually done this before, but it was really encouraging to remember this again. Right now, anything encouraging, no matter how basic it is, helps.

Life with No Net

2009-09-06T21:58:00.000-04:00

No safety net, that is. I wouldn't say I've grown much in the past two months, at least not in a good or healthy way. What I keep being reminded of is my continued responsibility to be light in a very dark place. And I don't honestly feel like a bright light. I feel like I'm mostly focusing on surviving the continuous merciless transition. I've been reminding myself that when I have other people to lift up and serve, I always thrive.
That's all there is to say, it's been hard. It's still hard. There's nothing in the future but a lot more hard work.

Resourceful Fellow laborers

2009-09-02T23:24:00.000-04:00

In spite of the obstacles, I'm really glad I still have teacher blogs to read this year. It looks like one of the thoughtful options is calling on a helper. That seems to fit the mentality of partnering with people and accepting help. I probably wouldn't be comfortable with it, since I would feel like a burden, but if I were asked to do it, I would be thrilled because it would mean being connected to the action. I've realized more and more that people who serve and work like I do have the same desire to help but not need help. It's a good hint that for my time on the other side, I may need to find someone to handle my updates.

919 all the dates this month are palindromes, folks.

2009-09-01T20:58:00.001-04:00

Change is painful. I agree with that. Pain is educational. I have no idea what the change was, but I have seen it's effects.
There was a telling incidence with a young person from my student organization during my last year of college. I tried giving him one of my support letters. My routine had been to explain to all recipients the purposes of all of the objects that come with the letter. He fanned out the contents of the envelope and gave a grinning sidelong glance with his eyebrows raised. I thought he was just confused and stood there expecting to answer questions. Instead, he said, "Well, aw, I got some studying to do..." at which I thought, but didn't say "How much explanation could you possibly need? I'm in a hurry, too, son." but continued his sentence: "...but if you want me to give you some advice..."
I don't think I said anything to correct his epic fail in reasoning. I probably just walked away, royally ticket off at his audacity, and mad at myself that he felt justified in such condescension. I had a box full of the letters in their final format and I had stuffed them and prepared them to give to potential supporters. Any person who saw me as a competent adult would have concluded that all editing had been finished. I was furious that I somehow gave the impression that I needed help when I was trying to give it. Unfortunately, this person is still in college, still suffering from the same arrogant expectation that other people need him.

however, another recent interaction with another person from my campus fellowship's sister chapter went much better. She recently returned from doing a service I did two years ago. She seemed to have a lot of respect for my experience and wanted to know what had made me decide to go on to serving by teaching. After my incredibly painful time in college of being mostly talked down to and pitied by the students in my campus fellowship, it was amazing to actually be treated with respect by someone who had been in that circle. What I was used to was going on a service or training trip and being affirmed and appreciated by those serving with me, and then going back to my chapter and being cast aside as nothing more than a victim and a passive attendee. I also felt treated this way by members of our sister chapter. So to have someone from that school actually treat me as an equal was amazing.

What this led me to wonder what I was doing differently after all this time that triggered people to treat me better, assuming that this isn't just a fluke. Or was it that going through something I've been through led my peer to appreciate a level of maturity and sacrifice that others haven't recognized yet? Another thing to consider is that I haven't actually seen anyone from college in over a year. If they saw me now, would they treat me better? Would I make them want to treat me better? I don't know, but lately, that is or could be one of the changes going on.

919 all the dates this month are palindromes, folks.

2009-09-01T20:58:00.000-04:00

Wondering about not being ticked off.

2009-08-31T20:20:00.000-04:00

This is the method of writing: You have already done the work, you just need to convince someone to pay you for it, and to continue doing more work. Right now I've been writing a whole lot. To be totally honest, I was hoping, ideally, to at least reach the publishing stage for either a novel or a collection of shorts before I leave the country again. Hope springs eternal.

Seriously, a random thought about the lists.

2009-08-30T22:00:00.000-04:00

Here we go. This is going to be fun. I think it's fairly common to make lists of people. For some women there seems to be a list of "if he eventually proposes, I will eventually say yes." As far as I know, beyond the list, the individuals on the list all have side notes, like, "This is my favorite, number one choice," or, "As long as it's one of these three, that's great." and there's an A-list and a B-list. There's even some that aren't serious contenders, but, "Just in case. I would definitely consider this one, especially if the pickings get too slim."
I thought about it, and I was sad and convicted, wondering, "My goodness, what if I were asked to confess who was on my list, along with rank and side notes?" so in my quiet time I admitted that there is a list and it was probably not helpful. I had to actually think of it as a whole, because normally, I only think individually, "He's on the list. He's not on the list. He's second tier. He was disqualified..." Next I wondered, "How many of them know they're on the list? Does it bother them? Do any of them think, 'Better avoid her, she put me on the list?'" And I started to think, "Am I on anyone's list? I wonder. Am I only on the B-list? Am I on the just-in-case-the-first-thirty-girls-die list?" And I wondered, "Oh, what if it's the creepy guy? What if it's someone I didn't know existed?" Actually, I don't think the list from the male perspective would be organized like my list, if there even is a list. In my doctrine of life, men do the pursuing, so logically, there would be one primary target and a short list of back-ups, to be handled one at a time, whereas in my list there's a parallel group of acceptable candidates and whichever one gets here first wins.
But, more to the point. So why not get rid of the list entirely? It seems to heart-harming and impersonal. When I was confessing about the list, part of it was, "I don't care about the list. It's OK if in the end it's nobody on the list," and that seemed best. The real difficulty will be in maintaining that conviction in the face of well-established thought patterns.

Those lists.

2009-08-29T21:24:00.000-04:00

I was going to talk about the lists, but maybe I will wait on that. I do want to emphasize again how encouraging it is to hear from the other workers. A lot of times I feel like an island in a sea of lava. Or rather I feel like a candle in a field on a night with no stars. Day to day, when I'm not leaning on my teammates or other people from training and service I've done before, there's no support.

More for me

2009-08-27T01:21:00.000-04:00

Now that virtually everyone who ever reads my blog is on internet near-silence, I'm going to be the first, most recent, and only updated blog on everyone's blog list.
1) the cat's body seems to have been disposed of
2) Elizabeth spent the day repeatedly drinking too much and throwing up on herself and everyone and everything around her. I topped it off by accidentally drawing on her head with a purple pen that was in my mouth while I was trying to move her. I washed her hair and only the blue washed out, so now she has what looks like a long red scar on her head. By the way, Elizabeth is seven weeks old and drinks milk.
3) I'm going to keep writing my little novels and Joelle can't read them until ATC at the earliest. Ha. I'll hopefully have it done by then.

The cat didn't come back

2009-08-26T01:08:00.000-04:00

I think my day was thrown off by encountering the body of a kitten in the middle of the road during my morning walk.
After I pushed it off to the side of the road with my foot, I decided I should wash my shoes and pants in case the animal was diseased.
So I didn't go outside for the rest of the day, and it probably would have been better if I had.
I came really close to a genuine and much-needed carefrontation but was afraid I was too angry to be fair.
Things have been really off since then because I now feel that it needs to happen soon.

An astounding level of self-awareness.

2009-08-23T23:11:00.000-04:00

Introvert? Introspect? Egocentric? I think about myself a lot, and I understand why I do things.
I know I hate feeling that other people a concluding that I'm immature, privileged or selfish.

What I've learned about integrity is that intentions are nowhere near enough. No one is going to know what you felt guilty about or what was really important to you. They're only going to know what you did. Since we're called to be an important mineral in the world, we have to look like it. I think a lot about how my life looks to people who don't believe in what I did and don't see it as a sacrifice, let alone appreciate it. It takes faith to a different place.

2009-08-22T22:07:00.000-04:00

Life didn't slow down. It's more like a bunch of hurdles got thrown in.
In addition, reentry is going through another really unpleasant stage. I'm lifting up tomorrow to be a day of change.
I can't honestly say anything has been easy in the past 8 weeks.
Some things have been good. I've seen once again how all of my previous job experience never ceases to be useful in every day life.

It really does help

2009-08-19T01:10:00.000-04:00

That quiet time I've been feeling so guilty about getting around to, I finally did it. It didn't seem like much. I've been expecting myself to pull one of those four hour retreats I did in 2006, so when I sat there for 5 minutes, I didn't expect a dramatic encounter. Yet it was. what it did was center my day and my thinking.
I was able to go back to what I've been trying to teach myself for a long time. "What kind of person do you want to be? Decide what you want." Once again, it's an old lesson, and it's another learning experience that breaks from the others.

2009-08-18T03:18:00.000-04:00

For a long time I've been focusing on the sentence, "What is the cost of your disobedience?" and reading Jonah and in some ways it has helped.
In some ways it doesn't help. It makes it easy to focus on failure and guilt.
I also realized I have never gotten around to that quiet time. I have a lot of disciplines I keep doing, but I haven't done that time of silence. And maybe that's why I keep telling people I don't know for sure yet whether I'm going back.

The Journey of those left behind

2009-08-16T20:35:00.000-04:00

Since I've been thinking in terms of the six months I have until (theoretically) I can possible return to China, it's alarming to find that the CTFers are in practicum already.
I can only continue to say that I assume I'm going back. I don't have it openhanded. And I don't feel bad that I'm holding onto it.

I'm on a boat?

2009-08-01T19:19:00.001-04:00

Another thing to add to my "Good Morning, Lucy" video I want to make, or at least think about making.
The boat video. I first saw it yesterday.
Here's what I have to say
1) Swearing, eh.
2) it was a pretty well done parody, except it wasn't a parody. If was supposed to be a serious original song, it lacks a few things, but done as a comedy and making no pretense of having substance in its own right, it's a talented work. I hesitate to call it "good."
3) Does anyone else immediately think of Tom Green's "the bum bum song (lonely swedish)" when they hear the first three lines of the refrain?
4) finally, it's another aspect of living in the world. There are a lot of funny things in the world and it's a huge tightrope walk (or a knife edge watch) having and exemplary life without excluding people and what matters to them.

encouraged the hard way

2009-07-29T23:19:00.000-04:00

Maybe the most frustrating thing is just feeling LAZY. I get a jolt of conscience that I should do something, like clean the bathroom, mow the lawn, check my credit card balance, go feed the baby, make a list...but then I'm so exhausted and find some reason not to do that. It's probably the thing about myself that gets most on my nerves, because it makes me look so irresponsible; bad with money, dirty and uncommitted to serving others. So this week I've been working really hard to act on convictions no matter how tired I am, and not just letting things slide. When I look back, all of my powerless and most miserable moments happened when I just let things slide.

Clean achievements

2009-07-27T22:41:00.001-04:00

My big accomplishments this week were washing the cat and cleaning the house. My long-term goals are ticking along because I've developed several accountability and other motivating systems. My big need right now is to find a good couselor.

Walmart bringin it back

2009-07-25T22:10:00.001-04:00

It would take a lot of long to stories to explain the following:
hotpot, duilians, fried-rice, mooncakes, Chinese massage and various Chinese folk-tales remind me of America. (I first encountered them here)

Lost, Prison break, Alias, (some other shows) Banana bread, hip-hop dance, telephone pictionary and Walmart all remind me of China.

My team associates Walmart shopping with intense cross-cultural adventures.
Yesterday I went to Walmart with a three-week-old. It was more intense than shopping in China.
After the bathroom in the back turned out to have no changing station, my sister and I split up. She had to get the groceries. I opted to go find the front bathroom. My powers of observation clearly deactivated somewhere along the way. I was in the midst of changing the baby when I finally noticed that I was facing a row of urinals. My first thought was, "How nice, they have changers in men's rooms, too, so dads can change babies, too. nice." Rather than being embarrassed, I just thought it was hilarious, and picked up the pace and rehearsed what I would say to the first man who walked in. It ended up being an attempt to say, "You didn't make a mistake, I did, but I was too far in and decided to finish." to which he said, "Oh, I'm just washing my hands."
As I left, I noticed that the women's room was taped off, so if I hadn't strolled into the men's room so brazenly, I never would have changed the baby, so it was a strange moment of grace.

Just to be honest.

2009-07-15T22:18:00.001-04:00

There's another amazing thing about God. I think you've probably discovered this a few times, too. That he reaches through and shows you he cares even when you're actively trying to be unfaithful.
I was very committed to being unfaithful today. I didn't do my devotional. I only read one chapter of the big book so I could eat breakfast. I did the housework and spent the rest of the day on Spore and the baby. My to-do list is untouched. I blatantly disregarded what's good for my health. So you wouldn't think that I would be blessed today, but I was. When I read my friends' status, most of them were encouragingly spiritual.
People who know me know that the one and only struggle I actually have is the war with self-destruction. So the miracle of the day and really every day for me is God overcoming that. I've seen other people battle with other things and I've been so offended to see him helping them out, too. I've thought things like, "But she's so selfish and disobedient, how could so much just get handed to her? She's consciously sinning! She sins against me," years ago. It's still difficult mediating between my convictions and understanding of other people.

2009-07-14T23:06:00.000-04:00

it was great to find out that both Laura and Jodi made an impact last weekend sharing about China. I'm glad Jonathan made it home and Shannon and Aaron are handling the transition well. I think Joelle's ok, too. Who knows.
I'm pretty sure the devotional for the day was about how he is for us and I can't argue with that.

I did have one thoughtful moment during my walk as I was thinking about the anguish of the people in my home state. When I think about what it's like to live in Michigan, I imagined a bunch of peasants, like blue-collar serfs bound to the automotive industry. My understanding of the system is very limited. I imagine our feudal bosses were bad at governing, kind of spoiled and kind of selfish, and the people paid for it. I know what modern poverty actually looks like, but on top of it I see plagued, tortured and angry medieval peasants.

Day of much needed encouragement

2009-07-13T21:51:00.000-04:00

There you go. Three random pictures from China. Today was a successful day. Today I didn't succeed in finding a fellowship to call or a place to get counseling. I didn't make my video and I didn't upload my infamous PRC video to facebook (but it was because of copyright issues. I reworded that from something else. Some word combinations really shouldn't come right after PRC)
But I did accomplish greater things. I excercized, finally. I did a quiet time, and most importantly, I was encouraged. Not only was I there with the big guy during my quiet time, but I also got to hear from my Platypi and be encouraged by them.

I replayed the mini-hope from debriefing for my quiet time and asked some big questions. Mainly, will I go back to China as planned? Rather than getting a long-awaited "yes" or even a devastating "no," I just tried to be quiet. And I tried to say it was ok if it was no. I imagined him saying no. If I had to stay in places where I was miserable or not feeling useful or welcome or safe. I finally said it would be ok and I just wanted to be where I would be closest to him.

that's never really happened before. The other great thing that happened today was being able to talk to my team mates. And finally, today I answered my mom's email. I still feel a little sick from the stress that always surrounds communicating with my mother. I'm going to bed soon and it doesn't feel like a failure of a day.

What are you going to do with your life?

2009-07-12T12:19:00.000-04:00

I remember what I was told about setting goals. I still have the same goals I had before I got back
1) find a fellowship
2) find a counselor
3) get certified to teach English
4) keep learning Chinese
5) get ready to go back

Why does autosave keep failing?

It's like life disintegrated

2009-07-10T15:12:00.000-04:00

Nothing big lately. I dreamed about my team. I don't remember what I dreamed, but they were all there.
Today's devotional was about being a citizen (from Eph2:19) which was really encouraging, because the commentary talked about how we're no longer outsiders or strangers, but we have a citizenship somewhere. And it also talked about wanting to live like citizens and honor what we're part of.
It's a good way to remember the source of strength for anyone who (like me) totally feels like a stranger and an outsider.

blueberry break

2009-07-09T20:27:00.001-04:00

It's a little unnerving to get so little done every day, but it could just be that I need to get very little done.
I tried to go for a walk with my sister, taking into account that nothing can be done in under two hours when you have a baby. But we did change out the car-seat and clean out the trunk of her car. So maybe tomorrow we can drive somewhere and take a walk.
So her husband's eight-year-old sister and I went to the neighbor's house and picking blueberries. There was no big realization, although every day things are clear in a different way. New things about people like how to understand them and when people will be kind and when they won't and why.

this is very bad

2009-07-07T23:36:00.001-04:00

The photos don't mean a thing. I just miss China. And I miss my team. For fear of launching into a whine-fest of complaint, let me just say this is really hard. Going from one place to another is hard in itself, and there are a lot of layers that make it harder.
I've been having to spend a lot of time asking for help from the one true source.

2009-07-06T14:23:00.000-04:00

(lace at the wholesale market in Nanchang)

Can't say there's been emotional improvement over here. This is pretty typical of leaving something I like and entering into something I don't like.

I miss Shannon for her musical skills, tough independence and sense of humor. It was also significant how Shannon and Joelle connected so much from recruitment on.

end of a handrail to a stairway at the Tiantan. They are also like this at the Forbidden city.
Also a good illustration of how I feel. Anyone else feel like this?

There's an intense drive to make myself miserable and resent everything and everyone around me. The healthiest thing I have discovered right now is to write myself a devotional like I always do and preach to myself what I would want others to learn.

essentially that it's ok to feel out-of-place in yet another setting, but to seek out and understand the reasons why I feel out-of-place. Not like a sewer-rat invading a fresh linen closet, but more like a strong and healthy person among the sick. It's like isa44, 2tim 4 and several better known verses I couldn't find about being in the world but not of it.

more

Fun with the lack of schedule

2009-07-06T00:20:00.001-04:00

I can say those forbidden words now, eh? (guess where this picture came from)

I miss Jodi. Not only is she the baby expert and queen of fun, she can out-burp both the baby and the Dad.

Since I couldn't go to Church today (I said it. Whoohoo.) I listened to a sermon on tape. I was planning on doing a quiet time to ask if I should go back when I plan to, but I gotta admit I didn't do that. whoops.

There's no schedule here. I have a list of things to accomplish and I wake up and try to accomplish them. It often entails doing some three to forty things at once. It's fun.

made it to the East Coast, straight to the Hospital

2009-07-05T00:45:00.000-04:00

Nanchang->Beijing->Shanghai->L.A->Dallas/Ft. Worth->Norfolk Airport->Norfolk Hospital->Suffolk.

There are advantages to jet lag. I can work the night shift with the baby. She was being born as I was flying across the country. When I arrived at midnight she was 11 hours old.

Anyway, it's the parents that care most about the painstaking details.

So far no culture shock. It's more the predictable but still demoralizing jolt that comes with leaving celebrity/sideshow status and the most supportive and encouraging community I've ever known and coming here to where most spoken sentences include an obscenity and it's really stupid of me to expect anyone withing a mile radius of this baby to care where I've been, what the great shepherd accomplished with his sheep, how much I've slept, how I feel or whether this is a difficult adjustment for me. (not that I'm going to expect anyone to neglect a newborn to listen to me tell stories) My own sense of whiny bitterness is probably the biggest problem right now. Don't worry, though. I don't fell totally angry, depressed or even disappointed, just inevitably frustrated, rejected and out-of-place.
There's good news, too, but it's hard to condense it into a summary. The baby herself is good news. Making it safely here is good news. Receiving sufficient grace to keep on going without any recognition from people is good news.

Coming to America

2009-07-01T13:47:00.000-04:00

For the past month I have been in the process of going to America. Now that I am here, the verb switch to coming to America. In Chinglish it would just be "Back to America," as in, "Teacher, when will you back to America?"
Some things I have noticed:
1) I haven't cried yet and I'm not heartbroken to not be in China.
2) No culture shock yet. Flushing toilet paper, drinking tap water, and being able to read and understand what people are saying haven't make a a dent so far.
3) little things like, "hey, a dishwasher...hey, you open a door to get into a restaurant..." have been unfamiliar but still not shocking.

I'd like to know about the experience of my fellow returners. To summarize what I feel right now, it's like I flipped a switch and am completely comfortable with $5 meals, public drinking fountains and people who don't look Chinese. Before I switched it, I was as comfortable as outsiders get with pickled breakfast, throwing trash on the ground and public baby butts. I think I switched on that setting when I arrived in China, because I didn't feel any culture shock there, either. I might have to check in my journal if that's a true statement.

So I look forward to seeing how the rest of you are feeling, even those of you who spent this year--one of the craziest years America has seen in my lifetime--in America.

Peace,
Rachael

P.S. Jonathan hasn't reported any culture shock either, other than how expensive everything is.

Like being a journalist again

2009-05-06T01:51:00.000-04:00

Someone once told me about pretending to be a reviewer at a restaurant. "You eat slowly, and take notes as you're eating. They'll be really nice to you and give you a free dessert."

I don't think the noodle place took me for a journalist or a food critic, I think the family was just very performance oriented, as much of China is. I wanted pictures of the little boy making noodles. I also wanted video. So the boy's father excitedly told the boy to do a good job and not make his country lose face
.

This was the most open air noodle place I've been to in recent memory. our table was right next to the window so we saw the stuff being made. It was cooked outside in pots next to the door. So I went to get video of that, as well. The young man working the frying pan threw noodles into the big boiling pot.You can see the people playing pool in the background because this is in the alley near the pool tables.
I took this video as we were leaving. Then the boy's dad, who also works at the restaurant, insisted on us watching the cut noodles being made. A guy took a loaf of noodle mass and sliced strings off of it in such a way that they flew right into the pot.